Crutches and New School Blues

I made  a bad joke on twitter a couple weeks ago, which honestly is like 75% of what I do on twitter, about how “crutching to class” sounds like it could be the name of a really cool indie rock album but it’s actually just my sad life story. I’ve been on crutches for about a month and a half now, and well… it was old about a month and a half ago. Crutches are hard. They hurt your hands, and hurt your arms, and hurt your back, and make you sore- all in addition to whatever is the reason you’re on crutches.

Before I started at a new school this year my friends made a bunch of jokes about how the crutches would be a conversation starter and help me to make some friends. Not so much. I mean, people are nice and hold open doors, which is very kind, but I never seem to be able to start an actual conversation.

I have had some very strange yet heartening moments of solidarity with the three other kids on campus on crutches when we pass by each other.  A head nod and “I feel you” goes a long way.

New schools are hard. Crutches are hard. New schools on crutches are REALLY hard. By the end of the day, just from walking to and from academic buildings I’m so tired that all I want to do is curl up in a ball and ignore everything forever. Which as you can imagine, isn't

I’m struggling really badly at Salisbury, which is a hard thing for me to admit, both to myself and to anyone else. I keep telling myself it will get better, but it’s been almost a month and I don’t think I could say that I have a single friend on this campus. And that’s rough. Really rough. And I don’t know what to do to fix it.

I haven’t posted a blog update in a while, mostly because I don’t know what to say. I’ve got no stories, no adventures to share. All I really do is go to class, watch Netflix, and sit curled up in a corner of my bed reading. Not exactly page turning excitement. And it’s not just that it isn’t exciting—it’s embarrassing. I don’t want to be that kid that can’t handle this, but I am, and I can’t.

I don’t know where to go from here. I’m going to keep trying, but I feel like nothings changing. I’ll smile and I’ll try to strike up conversations in class, but mostly it just makes me feel more alone.

I miss Hiram. I miss my friends. I miss having people who were there when I had a bad day. I miss feeling like I was at a place where I belonged, and where people were happy I was there.

Things are rough right now. But maybe, hopefully, they will get better.