I originally posted this as a facebook status, because I feel the need to be shamelessly wordy in ALL forms of media. It felt like it also belonged here.

Birthday memories:

Turning 20 in a bowling alley surrounded by drunken Amish and college students who hadn’t slept in days. Being serenaded  by Josh and twirled and laughing so hard I couldn’t remember what not laughing felt like. Being bad at bowling, of course, but surrounded by people who were worse at bowling, which made it relatively not so pathetic. Singing Lion King and Lady Gaga and confusing Tom, who ran the bowling alley, by shouting all the wrong words.

The 17^th birthday surprise party that ended up being not so surprising. When Abby called from the car and asked for directions to my house, even though I had no idea that anyone was coming over. Pizza and musicals and my mother rolling her eyes as we danced along to movies we’d watched enough to memorize. Being with people who knew me so well that I didn’t understand how life had existed before them or how it would after them. Way, way too many cookies.

My 18^th birthday, when my dad gave me the letter that made me cry, that I still have today. A dinner surrounded by all my family and my best friends. Knowing that high school was almost over and things were starting and ending and coming to in betweens. Feeling scared and safe in equal measures. Feeling new and somehow the same.

When I turned 16 somewhere in downtown DC at a NFTY event and 300 people sang to me, and I had to do the skip around the room, even though I’ve never been good at skipping. Spending all day surrounded by friends and friendly strangers, learning and growing and having fun. The kind host family who made me cookies, and the kids from camp who gave me gifts. Leading services with people I admired and spending time with people I was so excited to know. A phone call home that concerned my parents- they figured I’d be too busy to check in.

Turning 19, somewhere in College Park, with my parents and my friends from high school. I was sick then, and trying so hard to get better. They hugged me and told me funny stories. I tried really hard to laugh.

My 21^st birthday in the middle of nowhere with pineapple cake and goofy cartoons. Homemade cards and booze bought at Walmart. Trying so hard to make the cashier card me. Getting annoyed when he refused. Feeling like I had a community of people who cared. Laughing when Erin was confused by my calling my mother from the liquor aisle. Laughing even harder when mom put us on speaker phone from the bar.

Today I turn 22, and I don’t know what the day will hold. Lunch with the family. Homework. A lot of texts in all caps, and Max singing Taylor Swift to me every hour. I’m ready for 22. I’m ready for a new year and new beginnings and new adventures. I think this one is going to be good. 

I tried to go to bed at 8 pm on my 21^st birthday. I’ve never been a party girl, but that was a stretch, even for me. On my 20^th birthday I stayed up til almost three. When I turned 17 I had what was possibly the least surprising surprise party ever.  I’ve had a lot of weird birthdays, and a lot of really really great ones.

I turn 22 the day after tomorrow. I love birthdays, because I love any excuse to celebrate moments and acknowledge milestones and passing time.  Sometimes getting from year to year is an accomplishment in itself.

My 21^st birthday was spent mostly alone in my dorm room. I was in the middle of a strange period, upset a lot of the time, and feeling fairly isolated. Winter has always been rough for me. I was still at Hiram then, and most of my friends were theatre kids who had a performance that day. I didn’t know when they would be done, so I texted my friend Noah that I was just going to go to sleep.

“NO.” was the response I got back about 30 seconds later. “YOU AREN’T ALLOWED TO DO THAT.” Came right after that one. 

I sighed. I wasn’t in the mood for a pity party after the show. I didn’t want to wait up. I was tired, and I wanted to go to bed.

But the texts kept coming. All caps messages yelling at me that I was NOT ALLOWED TO GO TO SLEEP, and that I was BEING RIDICULOUS, which was true, but not what I wanted to hear.

Eventually Noah convinced me to go over to the Co-Op, where I sat in the dining room, being angry at the world and at the boys who wouldn’t let me go to bed.

Apparently Noah and Steven had been baking me a cake, and didn’t want me to go to bed before they had finished it.  I was, as usual, too grumpy and caught up in my own head to even entertain the possibility that my friends might be planning something. But they were, and they did, and it was really sweet and I cried a little bit, because I am the kind of person who cries at any moderate emotion.

Later more friends showed up with another cake, and we talked and laughed and it felt really nice to be surrounded by people who cared and made me smile- even when I was grumpy and in no mood to be smiling.

We ended up in a Walmart in the middle of nowhere at midnight, trying to buy alcohol from a cashier who refused to card me even when I asked him to. We watched cartoons and drank bad booze and laughed and it felt nice and comfortable.

And I think, mostly, that’s what I want in life. Times that feel good and comfortable. I don’t need  or want wild and crazy. I want safe and snuggled in- friends and good movies and times that feel like I could live in them forever and never get sick of it.

I don’t know how this year’s birthday is going to go. I know I’ll get to see my family, and spending time with them makes me happy. I do know, though, that if this birthday is anything like last birthday I’ll be more than ok.